With football season kicking off, it’s time we start thinking about 2017 as well. Everyone knows you need to do top-notch recruiting for your school to prosper.

The system is messed up in so many ways, but I’ll start with how to win the game as it is now:


1 – Have a great Head Coach

Playing for the right coach means everything: Personal and team success on the field. Shot at getting to the NFL.

Those are what matter to a 17/18 yr old guy who’s freakishly athletic. Winning and going pro.

Gotta spend a ton of the school’s money on the ole ball coach!


2 – Have expensive amenities

What else are you going to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on if not for fancier locker rooms and workout facilities?

You really have to trick the place out. These guys need to feel like absolute pimps when they walk around.

Best food on campus? Only available to athletes. Best library/computers? For athletes only.

Private tutoring? For football players: $0/semester. For students: $50/hr

Want to improve higher education in the US? Spend that $772 MILLION that went into athletic facilities in 2014 on education… Poof! Problems solved (kinda).


3 – Beautiful Women

You need the best looking young women ready to jump the bones of your players. Whether it’s the tutors you hire, the trainers you have, your cheerleaders/dance team, the escorts hostesses (I actually got rejected by a girl who “worked” for that group at UT when I mentioned “don’t y’all basically get told to sleep with the football players? – maybe I deserved it – speaking truth has never been a celebrated thing when the truth isn’t fairy-tale-esque), the strippers strippers, the sexual assaults you ignore, the sexual assaults you cover up, the rapes you cover up, more sexual assaults you ignore, the racist rape/gang rapes you can’t ignore (because the dumbasses recorded it so we have video proof of their heinous crime), etc. Get those players laid!

Make sure your football players know they will be pampered by women you’ve placed all around them, that their EVERY desire will be catered to – implicitly, of course, as we can’t have the school getting in trouble for practically prostituting their young women for their football players (whether or not the women would throw themselves at the football players anyway is a different matter entirely – but they should do that on their own time/dime not the school’s).


Now to fixing the system:

Get the players out of college. They don’t care about education. Seriously – zero effort. They care about football. And girls.

The NCAA is making billions off these kids. Just pay them. They would make a lot of money.

Make college football the minor leagues of the NFL (which it really already is). Hell, they can even keep the same colors and names – just don’t have the players at the schools or on campuses at all.

Let the students who pay tuition eat nice food (instead of the drivel currently served to them), access free tutoring and enjoy nicer facilities.

That might make college worth the price of admission. It’s not now.


Those athletes could make a lot of money on the open market. Their skills (outside of sexual assault) are highly desired in the current market that worships football. It’s become a 24/7/365 job to be in college football.

Football is our newest religion. The cult worships all day Saturday AND Sunday because we’re so devout. And members discuss it with fervor Monday to Friday because we aren’t spending 40 hours per week actually working.

It’s a lucrative religion too. I suspect those kids would be getting million dollar contracts before they turned 21 with this system. Good. The market decided their skill set deserves it.

We should probably start teaching finances in high school so they at least know a little about how to handle that wealth. The NFL could tutor them in whatever they need to know (including money management) to focus on getting better at football.

You can’t say we need more money for professors when you spend ungodly amounts on coddling a football team of “adults.”


Football games literally increase the likelihood of sexual assault and rape. Click those links for startling statistics.


Maybe it’s time we reevaluate our infatuation with this sport and its players.

I would officially say it is “unwise to send your daughter(s) to a school with a prominent football program” at this time.

It’s time we take back our campuses to focus on actually educating our next generation. Not paper pushing and football.